The Celebrity of Athlete

Every once in a while, I like to check out the competition to see what those imitators are up to. Cruising espn.com, I come across Bill Simmons’ most recent article on a conversation that he had with his wife about the Brody Jenner and the latest plot twists on “The Hills.” My first thought is thank god my wife left has finally left me. (Actually my first thought was, where are “The Hills”?) Second thought…who is Brody Jenner? Wikipedia confirms my suspicion; Brody, the big reality star, is Bruce’s son and there is some mention of Bromance which I don’t want to know about. On top of that Bruce has his own reality show with his wife based on the life of his step daughter who is famous for her big butt and a sex tape. Wow.

Now, here is the $31 question: How did Bruce keep himself relevant years after Wheaties. (Note: Bruce maintained semi-relevancy for his performance as Jim Gregory – Grambling University’s first white football player in 1981’s TV Movie “Grambling’s White Lion” featuring Dennis Haysbert as James ‘Shack” Harris. ((note to note: Haysbert went on to portray Pedro Cerrano in 3 “Major League” movies as well as Max ‘Hammer’ Dubois in 1992’s “Mr. Baseball” starring Tom Selleck. (((note to note to note: “Mr. Baseball is about an ego-maniacal American first baseman who gets his comeuppance playing in Japan. It is actually quite good.))).

So what does it take now for an athlete to switch over to the money machine of celebrity given the national short span of attention? Well, I talked to an agent friend of mine and off of the top of his head, he rattled off what he called the “4 Quadrants of Revenue Generation” that he works on with all of his clients:

1) “Be Hot” – He asked me if I had ever heard of Gina Carano, Leryn Franco, and Natalie Gulbis. I hadn’t, but quickly found out that they make up 30% of the top ten athlete internet searches in 2008. My own Google searcg revealed - yep you guessed it - mixed martial arts, javelin, and golf.

2) “Be Good at a White Collar Sport” - Top Athlete Endorsers are Tiger and Phil who earned $105 Mil and $53 Mil respectively in 2008. Oh yeah, Phil is Phil Mickelson. I argued in vain that Golf shouldn’t count since it is really more of a skill than a sport much like skeet shooting. His lack of interest in one of the oldest bar room arguments reminded me that I was talking to an agent.

3) “Maximize your Logos” - On that same list, you find Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon, and Kimi Raikkonen… otherwise know as Never Won a Race, Used to Win Races, and No Idea Who This Is? The Agent then offered up a secret that I promised I wouldn’t let out…it’s only a matter of time before baseball or football will break the seal and start wearing logo-ridden Euro soccer style jerseys. Won’t tell a soul.

4) “Be Weird and Pathetic.” - Rodman is on that Trump show. Tyson has a movie out. Kimbo is another entrant in the top ten internet athlete searches. And this brings me back to Bruce Jenner.

I asked him how he worked with his clients on these four areas. He laughed and said, “Why do you think Jordan played so much golf. If he had gotten good enough, he would have gone golf way before baseball.” That makes sense.

And that’s the word of Sand.

The Crappy Music of Chicago

With the resurgence of Chicago as a sports town (more on that later), I have been spending a lot more time in my car hitting the stadiums, junkets and related events. While I usually listen to my Lou Reed or Cars tapes (that is correct, I still have a stereo cassette player) I have found myself listening a bit more to Chicago rock radio and here’s a fact, WXRT plays at least one song by Collective Soul per day. For those of you who are not aware, Collective Soul is a bad proto-alternative band out of Georgia that has been releasing hack job power ballads for 15 years. They are the poster child for what WXRT’s plays these days and a sad reminder that Chicago does not have a modern rock station.
For those who are not aware, WXRT started as an independent radio station in the seventies and had a 20 year run as an innovative and ground-breaking beacon of adventuresome music. Their core on-air staff has not changed in 25 years. But since they got bought by Clear Channel in the early 90s, they suck worse with each passing day.
Does anyone remember when WXRT was at the forefront of modern rock? They played the Afghan Whigs, Galaxie 500, Frank Zappa, the Silos, American Music Club, and went deep into albums to expose Chicago to the non-single album gems. Each DJ had his/her artistic leaning and it served the greater purpose of the station’s personality. Now it’s a steady stream of Spin Doctors, Smash Mouth, Elvis Costello’s Greatest Hits, Tom’s Diner, and Collective Soul and it is simply sickening.
Oh, you didn’t know Tim knew his rock? I’ll tell you sunny-jim, when I started here in 1993 I got to see the Blake Babies and Urge Overkill in their martini lounge glory. I saw Liz Phair at the Beat Kitchen and was there when Lloyd Cole opened the Double Door. I likes my rock and what I hear these days makes me want to retch.
I can see it now, Mayor Daley is driving downtown with some members of the Olympic Selection Committee and one of them says, “Richard, you know what I would fancy - hearing this city’s premiere modern rock station? Ooh that would be a true delight.” And Richard would hem and haw until he remembered that Billboard stating, “WXRT – we snuck into your room and are playing your record collection” and of course Richard would know they weren’t talking about his Billy Ocean collection and he would direct the driver to 93.1 FM where, out of the car speakers would come, “One, two princes here before you…………” and they would laugh Richard off LSD.
Imagine the city not getting the Olympics because our music sucks? That would be sweet poetic justice. But nothing is going to change. Teri Hemmert is going to play the Beatles and the new guy is going to play the same Amy Winehouse single over and over again. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
It doesn’t have to be this way, a simple tweak to the current and you can still satisfy the Lenny Kravitz crowd while getting Ted Leo and the New Pornographers into the mix, but the geriatrics at XRT aren’t having. Their 2.1% market share and free tickets to Ravinia are enough to keep them complacent and mired in mediocrity and it is we who suffer.
Oh and by the way, Chicago sports are fun again. Go Team. And that’s the word of Sand.

Knowing your lines....

Hawks Win! Hawks Win! It’s been 13 years since anyone could say that about a Chicago ice hockey team in the playoffs and I predicted it here when Mike Keenan pulled a “Jimmy the Greek” after game four (see previous blog).

Sure we can attribute it to a younger, hungrier team with fresh legs. But in the end, Game 6 went to the Hawks because the Keenan-led Flames continually double shifted star centerman Jarome Iginla. All respect goes to the versatile two-way former MVP, but 24 minutes in ice time? Only Calgary defenseman Adrian Aucoin played more – unheard of for a forward – even in the playoffs. Iginla took a face-off with six different line configurations. He didn’t know if he was there to score or check. How else can anyone explain his presence on the ice when Adam Burish scored his first playoff goal midway through the first?

When a hockey coach loses faith in his aging team and keeps his star on the ice, skating with every line for the entire game, the star either steps up or turtles. Iginla turtled with only two of his team’s 44 shots and a minus 2 for the game. And the blame goes to Keenan. Hey Mike, the curtain is up and its show time, the Stanley Cup playoffs. You either have your lines set or you don’t. You didn’t.

Go ahead and take the summer to think about it, tough guy.

Prediction: Blackhawks lose in 6 to Vancouver. And that's the Word of Sand.

All time Chicago busts

Chicago sports teams have enjoyed a grand legacy of picking up scraps and cast-offs from other teams and trying to fit these square pegs into round holes. Today we present the Chicago scrap-heap pageant:

The Bears:
Second runner up: Edgar Bennett - former packer featured back gains 611 yards
First runner up: Steve Walsh - actually took a team of pretenders to a wild card game victory
Champion: Rick Mirer - From Notre Dame to Seattle to Chicago to MetLife, Rick we hardly new ye


The Hawks:
Second runner up: Michel Goulet - the former Nordiques looked lost trying to keep up with Larmer and Roenick
First runner up: Bobo Probert - Detroit's greatest brawler got off the coke and on the booze and forgot how to fight
Champion: Theo Fleury - Is anyone surprised no one is asking the former Flame turned Hawk for his bourbon fueled analysis on the playoff series between the only two teams he served


The Sox:
Second runner up: Albert (Joey) Belle - STAY OFF MY LAWN!
First runner up: Javier Vazquez - No guts in the clutch
Champion: Jaime Navarro - 25 wins and 43 losses over 3 seasons

The Cubs:
Second runners up: You pick the broken down releiver - Mike Scott, Mel Rojas, Goose Gossage, Dave Smith, Dan Plesac, Antonio Alfonseca. Why?
First runner up: Jeff Blauser - yeah I know, but look it up

And now we have the latest champion for the city to crown. Milton Bradley presents, "The Milton Bradley Game!" How many rolls of the dice before Milton is sidelined by a hangnail! Spin the wheel to see how many at bats he'll go between hits! Take a chance and draw a meltdown card!

We've seen this game before and it always ends the same. Chicago teams can not sign a free agent to success. Randy Moss or Kurt Warner? Pass. But Dave Krieg is available? COME ON DOWN!

Milton has another 5 weeks before he goes on the 60 day DL and that's the beginning of the end. And that's the word of sand.

Mike Keenan is a bitch

Two days ago, I said the Hawks would lose in the playoffs because of Adam Burish's stupidity when time was running out in Game 3 vs. the Calgary Flames. Today I retract that.

I retract that based on the hypocritical bitchiness of one Mike Keenan - coach of the Calgary Flamers. To wit, Keenan's quote, "The Chicago Blackhawks used tactics late in the game that weren't something the game needs. The game doesn't need it, and the emotional response I have is "Why?" Keenan said, "Why engage in those tactics?"

WHY? The reason why is, "BECAUSE YOU ARE HYPOCRITICAL BITCH, MIKE!"

Mike Keenan, the man who put Stu Grimson and Mike Peluso on the ice in the waning seconds of every loss to thrash those who dared beat him when he was at the Hawks helm wants to know why. Mike Keenan, the man who made bleeding thug Nick Kypreos famous in 1994 -the only year he won a championship - is confused. Mike Keenan, the architect of taking moral victory from a loss by beating the snot of the other teams' talent is at a loss.

The reason why, Mike is to expose you for the fraud you are. Your history in this game as a final minutes goon means you don't get to ask these questions. You get to react and coach better and keep your pie-hole shut tight. Put up your dukes and fight like a man, you bitch. And god help Joel Quenneville if he takes Keenan's bait. You've got them outgunned, outmanned, and outclassed. Now take it. And that's the word of Sand.

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Dumb kids on ice

It was May 8, 1996 and the Campbell Conference had been dead for three years. After sweeping Calgary in the opening round of the playoffs, the Blackhawks enjoyed a 2 games to 1 advantage over the Colorado Avalance. Time was winding down in the second period of game 4 and when the clock said 0:00 Centerman Jeff Shantz took the initiative to cross-check Claude Lemieux (the Curt Schilling of hockey) in the chops right in front of the referee - probably Don Koharski. A two-minute penalty was assessed - and rightly so. On the ensuing penalty that started in the 3rd period, Scott Young scored to tie the game at 2. The Avs later won the game in overtime as well as the two following games to eliminate the "Dead"hawks and win the right to face Detroit in the Conference finals and ultimately to sweep the Florida Panthers in the Stanley Cup finals.

Do any of these facts have a point? Yes, Matt Dillon. If greenhorn Shantz keeps his cool, the Hawks don't give up the power play goal, win the series and ultimately the franchise's first Stanley Cup since 1961.

Flashforward to April 20, 2009. Enjoying a 2-0 series advantage over the Flames, the Hawks near the end of the game enduring a 4-2 beating. No one thought the kids would sweep and Game 3 was resigned to defeat. Yet there was Adam Burish selfishly making a meaningless hit on Rene Bourque with time winding down. No penalty was assessed, but you can bet your ass a suspension is coming.

Burish is a pint-sized tough guy with a heart of gold. No scorer, his presence on the ice gives the enemy pause when they are lining up Toews or Kane with a hit. Now he'll be gone and this will give Calgary the shot in the arm to rebound and take the series.

That's right puckheads, you heard it here first. Just like Shantz's stupidity cost the Hawks the championship in '96, Burish's brain-fart just did the same in '09. And it need not have happened. But when you field a team of kids with little playoff experience, this is what you get. Selfish, dim-witted penalties that take your boot off your enemies throat.

What was Burish doing on the ice - announcing their presence with authority? NUTS TO THAT! Now is the time for maturity, professionalism, restrained cojones, and a couple of Sutter brothers to mill around and not break anything. Is Mark Messier willing to come out retirement and rescue these mutts?

The Hawks won't, and don't deserve to, advance. All Burish can do is take his penalty, sit by himself, and feel shame...and then go free. Free to go back to Medicine Hat and reflect on his sins that cost his team the playoffs. And that's the word of Sand.

An Easter meal in the States, and then the playoffs....

I’ve been cooking for the last two days to keep my brother happy. He’s putting together his first real dinner party at his new house, so I thought I’d give it my best. He’s a good man, but he’s wound pretty tight, and he hates baseball. Sometimes the truth hurts.

In going through my cook books, I started to wonder: how long has French been the language of cooking? I mean, I get the Julia Child thing, but can’t we just use normal talk now that we run the world? Even the Italians (whose food kicks the derriere off of any of the frog stuff) only get stuff like “mezzaluna,” which is a gadget that chops onions, or something. From the surrender monkeys we get “mise en place,” which means putting all your taco fillings in little bowls, “cuisine,” which means Mexican food in general, and “restaurant,” yes, I said “restaurant.” The Jerry Lewis lovers gave us the word “restaurant.”

All this Frenchie talk reminds me that the Stanley Cup playoffs start on April 15. I love that the Hawks don’t deal with Frenchies. There’s no DesJardins and no Brisbois. We don’t have to cheer every one of Dion Phaneuf’s goals. The Hawks are just honest-to-goodness Americans (wink, wink) – working with Russians, Czechs, Swedes, Canadians (the good kind,) and an ACTUAL FRENCHMAN whose name sounds like bird food. It turns out that our first round opponent will be Calgary, so “O, Canada” will be sung in English. After 9/11, when we went to war with the French, I was tearing up when our elected officials changed French fries to “freedom fries.” The power of rhetoric wasn’t lost on Washington, and it shouldn’t be lost on us.

Tonight, I gave my wife a freedom kiss goodnight and slipped off into dreamworld. I saw visions of Brian Campbell actually playing defense, Patrick Sharp with working body parts, and a bunch of teenagers figuring out how to win a playoff round. When I woke up, my wife rewarded me with a heaping plate of freedom toast which I washed down with a bottle of California sparkling wine mixed with Florida orange juice. Nothing “mise en placed” about that. And that's the word of Sand.

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